Day 5. Santa Claus: The Movie

There are times in life when one must stand up and ask, "What is the point of this film?" When it's preferred that movies be empty distractions, that's a rebellious question. As an example, the MPAA rated The Remains of the Day "PG for themes." At least it wasn't punished with an R rating for character development.

It's surprising I'd made it through childhood without even wanting to see Santa Claus: The Movie. Likely, my survival instincts knew a feature-length movie about Santa Claus, even one by some of the people who made Superman and Superman II, was trouble. The Santa myth is a great deception (and believe me, when I learned the truth I felt stabbed in the back by an unjust universe), but it creates wonder for kids because it isn't all explained. The imagination fills in the details of flying reindeer, chimney escapes, and impossible schedules. The movie version is correct that Santa Claus seems like the coolest dude imaginable, but something is lost by watching him go about business in explanatory Batman Begins detail. 

Today, Santa Claus: The Movie is best remembered as a big-budget misfire. It opened in the winter of 1985, and was dismissed as tacky, loud and impersonal, which means it may be the unheralded progenitor of contemporary "event" blockbusters. 

To the movie's credit, it does a fair job of not convoluting the familiar Santa Claus persona, while still carrying the pretence of being "the real untold story," a similar tact used by Antoine Fuqua's King Arthur and Ridley Scott's Robin Hood, which, to their benefit, had some actual footholds in history. 

By not wanting to apply dramatic license to his persona, the most apparent problem here is that Santa Claus (David Huddleson, the big Lebowski in The Big Lebowski) faces no struggle, and has no obligation to change. The whole film is largely bereft of urgent conflict. Sure, there's something in the last half about an evil capitalist toymaker (John Lithgow) competing with Santa's socialist campaign, and I'll repeat my main complaint about The Phantom Menace, The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas, and the movie version of Speed Racer: no kid cares about stories of diplomatic competition, you out-of-touch Hollywood buffoons. 

This narrative disinterest means the scenes of Santa being a badass have to be awesome, and they almost are. As he first takes flight over nighttime Manhattan, there's an entrancing magic in the not-quite-real, but tactile and interesting, practical effects. The animatronic reindeer are emotive, and the vision of something magical occurring within the urban landscape recalls the New York night flight in Superman: The Movie in the best way. For a lone sequence, one feels like a kid again. 

Additionally, the opening stretch, where Santa is appointed his position has a nice folkloric quality. He and his wife Anya Claus (Judy Cornwell) are rescued by elves, after two of their reindeer nearly freeze to death in a forest. For a cynical movie like this, it's refreshingly quaint, motivated storytelling. 

The commercialized mechanics become clear with the introduction of Joe (Christian Fitzpatrick), a homeless kid who dreams he can eat at McDonald's and drink Coke like everybody else. It's not Fitzpatrick's fault that this isn't a credible portrait of childhood neglect. The movie won't allow it to be. Joe is so movie-urban, he later gets Santa's reindeer to fly by shouting the command, "Yo!" 

It's not Christmas without Coke.

So that's where Santa's reindeer end up.

Santa Claus is a great and noble figure. I get that. But spending two hours with him through this garish corporate-approved "fun" does the worst thing for his rep. It creates apathy. 

The Myth of Santa Claus

There's been a macabre and absurd rumour for a while that the animatronic reindeer in Santa Claus: The Movie are slain animals who were turned into robots. I don't know how this started, and it's obviously untrue, but remains an eerie bit of mythos surrounding this film. I'll stress again that this is highly unlikely, because one UK critic has been banned from screenings for stating it as fact. 

The Meaning of Christmas 

Santa Claus only cares if you're naughty or nice. He doesn't forget any kids, regardless of economic class. That's a great message. Unless you're a real life poor kid. 

Ah well, here's a McDonald's commercial.

Tomorrow: J.T.